The Genius of Peter Kay...

Classics...I love stupid emails, and this one always make me laugh*

The Genius of Peter Kay...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was bullied at school, and called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


Peter Kay's questions...

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?


Peter Kay's Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Bricks are horrible to carry.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



*In no way do these wholly represent the views of the blogger.

Open Letter; Dear World...

Dear World,

In recent months, I have been spending a rather large amount of time around American’s... one in particular. This one will probably be the one I spend more time with than anyone else here, and to tell the truth I’m not too upset about this.

It is in light of this that I unashamedly proclaim that I have been saying, with increasing regularity, phrases with “foreign” words in, such as bathroom in place of toilet, and soccer in place of football. I have had a few American mannerisms developing. I’m married to an American and half of my family is now American.

It is with no hint of aggression or bitterness that I say; “World… Get over it”. I love my heritage, and am just as grateful that I get to experience another culture, variation of mother tongue and ways of life… Thank you world, my life is richer for it.

With love,

Your favourite 23 year old.

Lag Off...

The last few days in America down in Asheville, NC, were not ones of significant rest and relaxation. Spooner has an array of colourful and interesting friends- whom we would be out visiting and having fun with until earlier hours. In addition Nathan (who kindly lent us his spare bedroom) was a talkative and lovely young fellow who we would wake from his sofa-based slumber and keep up for another couple of hours. It would often be 2am before Liz and I were bedward bound. I say often, we were there for 2 nights!

As much fun as this was, it did not bless my soon to be jet-lagged induced body.

On the morning of departure (and all times will now be GMT!) we arose at about midday… we arrived in the UK 18 hours later at 6am (when we were catapulted 5 hours into the future- where I now remain) and pushed through to 10pm that evening before heading to bed- meaning I’d been awake for 34 hours continuously. Phil Brown’s body continues not to fall asleep on aeroplanes.

Then comes a weekend. A weekend where a stag/bachelor party is a must, meaning arising at 7.30am. On a Saturday. An exhausting day of football and beach shenanigans featuring a wonderful curry at the end later leads to my mother and little sister visiting from Newcastle. Having not seen them for a good few months we chatted until late, set their beds up and went off to a well needed deep sleep.

3 seconds, or so it felt, later my alarm went off at 7am so that I could shower, eat and go and play in the church band. (After sleep talking a significant amount and keeping my lovely wife up).

Not the kind of jet lag recovery I was hoping for… now we’re back at work, and I can’t work out if I’m falling asleep due to lag, or just no sleep.

I say; LAG OFF!