Tall Stories...

A (none to intelligent) friend once told me that a man who worked in a skyscraper wanted to commit suicide. This man decided to jump out of his office window near the top of the ‘scraper. The story goes that on his decent there was such a huge gust of wind that he was blown back in to the building through his colleagues’ open window.

That’s funny. Not the “suicide” bit, but the ridiculous bit.

It begs the question – who on earth would design a skyscraper with windows that people can either fall in to or out of. That is a huge design flaw and, honestly, asking for trouble. A part that really gets me going is trying to imagine a man working hard at his desk, only for a full sized human being to fall onto it from the sky.

You can’t make this stuff up. No, wait, I think he just did…

New Purchases...

On Saturday, Liz and I got the last of the “essentials” before baby comes along. We ended up getting things that I never thought I would purchase or have never purchased before, including a shower cap (which I actually tired out this morning!), a sieve (they just always seem to be around!) and some Colgate Plax Mouthwash (buy on get one free – ohhh yeah!)

It is with the Colgate Plax that I take particular issue with. On the back there is blurb about “fighting plaque” and “keeping cavities healthy”… the usual, the stuff that store brand 3 litre bottles for 50 pence also say. On said packaging there was a call to use it before you go to bed and wake up “feeling great”…

In my mind I pictured* waking up, rolling over and smooching my wife with amazing minty freshness - with her amazed face certain it was kissing a cool breeze- and getting along with the day feeling so great that I even forgot to brush. Turning up to church and people literally turning their heads and chasing after me to say one thing: "I've never smelt such minty goodness extruding from one's mouth before.What on earth do you use?"

When I woke up, it smelt like something had died in my mouth. Seriously. My feelings of grandeur were immediately expelled and I let my wife lay in ignorant peace for another few hours.

You lied to me, Colgate. You lied.



*I have no minds eye, and therefore cannot conceivably “picture” anything in my mind. When I read Harry Potter I imagine my old secondary school because I know the layout and don’t need to picture anything

Babies Galore...

There is, currently, a huge baby boom going on at Church... it's ridiculous! Something like 15 babies will be born this year, and plenty more are due for next year! One of my Groomsmen has recently had one (moreover, his wife has) and another Groomsman's' wife is pregnant and due late November!


This excites me a lot. Firstly, I love children (on a Sunday morning I rarely talk to adults because of herds of children that I find myself being stupid with). I have some quality banter with a 7 year old who supports a rival soccer team; a 4 year old girl who is moving to Turkey this time next year regularly tells me that 'Phil' means 'Elephant' in Turkish; a 5 year old boy will punch me non-stop for as long as I'll let him for want of being turned upside down and carried around for a while. They are fun, have great energy levels, and are probably the most genuine people in the world!


Secondly, as I embark on the magnificent journey that is marriage, and look into baby planning etc on the Marriage Preparation Course, it's great to have close friends who are kind of a life stage ahead of you. One day I will be sucking all the kid rearing wisdom I can out of these folk!


Third... it means I can pretend I'm massive (which I am... see previous post) and take fun photo's like this:





Don't get me wrong here, I am not broody in any way. Right now (well, in 15 days time) Liz will be my family, and that's all I'm after and what I want. In fact, I hate kids. Leaving my parents to start up my own family will no doubt be tough- they are the most amazing people I have the honour of knowing- but I am very much looking forward to cleaving to and figuring out how to be family with Elizabeth Kate.