NFL at Wembley, London...

It’s been almost a week. I need to break the silence.


Last Sunday Liz and I went to Wembley Stadium to watch the New England Patriots beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 35 – 7. The whole event, from start to finish, was just brilliant… and that’s apart from the fact that two tickets that should have cost £280 cost us £50.


We had some of the best seats in the house- the halfway line divided Liz and I in two. Our seats were the row in front of the box seats (which are surely the best seats in the house?) and had padded seats with arm rests and cup holders. The box behind us was the BBC Sport studio, where Jake Humphreys and Lee Dixon were sat (JH is a Formula 1 correspondent and LD is an ex-England international soccer player and commentator) so we got to “meet” them. We had a group of Americans who had flown from NE to support the Pats and hi-fived us whenever they scored. We had a gig with one of the UK’s biggest groups beforehand and had Toni Braxton singing the USA national anthem. We had footlong hotdogs and beer. It. Was. AMAZING!


All that without even touching on the game, the atmosphere, the buzz of being at a live game.


Only one disappointment. There was a festival going on outside the Stadium that we had access to, but we got there too late to go into “Tailgate” –which we had VIP tickets for. There were concerts, food, and a chance to meet the hoes… sorry, cheerleaders (they really do move and look like I’d imagine strippers to move and look).


Apart from that it felt like the complete game- even got to see Tom Bradys MASSIVE head a few times (seriously- check out his forehead).

Photo’s are DEFINITELY to follow! Or you can check out my facebook page!

Crackdowns and Smackdowns...

ALERT: There’s been a crack down at work- where for “security” reasons all conceivable “fun” websites have been blocked other than blog and shopping sites. Working in the male dominated construction industry, this has led to outrage that sport can no longer be read.

This is a mockery of 2 basic principals of productivity:
a) That you’re most productive with a 15 minute break every hour… there is now no reason to break because we can’t do anything with it;
b) That if you block websites, people will take half an hour trying to find a way into it, rather that a few minutes check every hour- leading to people trying, fruitlessly, for longer periods to access information, leading to an even more intense level of frustration and even less productivity.

This equates to any readers, probably, hearing a lot more from me.

Recent blogging thoughts: that this could easily turn out to be a log of recent injuries rather than anything interesting.

Let us take the last month as a good starting point. I have started my first season of competitive football (soccer) since a couple of years back. My first game; I got the blisters (last post, see below) that crippled my walking ability for a week. Second game; in the first half I put in a crunching slide tackle, causing a bigger man than I to land on my back. This caused a huge amount of pain, and for about a week and a half my lovely wife had to do just about everything around the house for me. 5 weeks out as a result. Last Saturday; my comeback game. I headed the ball in an odd way, leading to a neck injury!

As none of these stories are fun/ caused by anything that will cause laughter, there seems little point expanding. Needless to say, my body will be grateful for the 2 weeks rest it’s getting while Liz and I go away for our anniversary!

Right now, soccerly speaking of course, it’s 3 wins out of 3- not a bad start to a falteringly stuttering football career.

Peace out… And if any medics want to become friends or move to my local area, please let me know on phil@injuryproneman.com*

Oh, to establish the injury-proneness here’s an interesting fact:

I’ve dislocated my left should 9 times and had 2 operations on it. There are 6 bolts in my arm now and thanks to my original surgeon (Mr Rowntree- oh yes, I’m naming and shaming) they can’t be sure if my first 3 bolts are metal or plastic- which means I can never go into an MRI Scanning machine because there’s potential that 3 bolts could shoot out of my shoulder.

I think it all started when I started walking- I was fine when I was about 1 and a half years old.

Up next- Footballly speaking and Unclely speaking…


*This email address is FAKE- please to not try and follow me to Spain** to try and fix my problems.
** This is a fake address- I’m not giving away my location that easily.

Everything Has A Cost..

Being great really does have a cost.

I played for my new football/soccer team on Saturday- St Peters Iver FC, The Chiltern Churches Christian League- and ruffled a few feathers in the process. I was placed, after only email correspondence with the manager on 2 occasions, in central midfield. This is probably the most important position on the field. Me being placed here meant that the guy who had been playing there for the last 3 seasons was dropped to the bench for the first time in his career- and his friends weren't too pleased with me either.

This, erm, emotional pain was nowhere near the amount of physical pain endured during and as a result of this particular match. The scene:

An extremely hot September day, a day where you sweat standing still, and it hasn't rained for about a week. I chose to play with my football boots which, of course, was a bad idea considering the hardened state of the ground.

During the first half I gained an extra bodily element- an inch long blister on my right foot, which I also lost during the same said period. Pain ensued. It continued not only for the next hour of the game, but until the time of writing.

It hurts to walk and to move and to shower. Liz will no doubt tell people this anyway, but on Saturday night and for Sunday afternoon/evening I thought it would be wise to soak my open wound ridden feet. Logic suggested to me that when I hurt my muscles/tendons/ligaments I put ice on them to soothe and to stop inflammation... so I used the coldest water for my feet that I could find. Liz found this alarming/hilarious when she found out and instantly put boiling water in my foot bowl. The warm water was certainly not soothing.

The following pictures are of the current state of my right foot:

Was it worth it? Depends how far you trust the stats!!! One game, one goal, one assist and one man of the match!!! BOOM!

The Genius of Peter Kay...

Classics...I love stupid emails, and this one always make me laugh*

The Genius of Peter Kay...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was bullied at school, and called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


Peter Kay's questions...

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?


Peter Kay's Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Bricks are horrible to carry.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



*In no way do these wholly represent the views of the blogger.

Open Letter; Dear World...

Dear World,

In recent months, I have been spending a rather large amount of time around American’s... one in particular. This one will probably be the one I spend more time with than anyone else here, and to tell the truth I’m not too upset about this.

It is in light of this that I unashamedly proclaim that I have been saying, with increasing regularity, phrases with “foreign” words in, such as bathroom in place of toilet, and soccer in place of football. I have had a few American mannerisms developing. I’m married to an American and half of my family is now American.

It is with no hint of aggression or bitterness that I say; “World… Get over it”. I love my heritage, and am just as grateful that I get to experience another culture, variation of mother tongue and ways of life… Thank you world, my life is richer for it.

With love,

Your favourite 23 year old.

Lag Off...

The last few days in America down in Asheville, NC, were not ones of significant rest and relaxation. Spooner has an array of colourful and interesting friends- whom we would be out visiting and having fun with until earlier hours. In addition Nathan (who kindly lent us his spare bedroom) was a talkative and lovely young fellow who we would wake from his sofa-based slumber and keep up for another couple of hours. It would often be 2am before Liz and I were bedward bound. I say often, we were there for 2 nights!

As much fun as this was, it did not bless my soon to be jet-lagged induced body.

On the morning of departure (and all times will now be GMT!) we arose at about midday… we arrived in the UK 18 hours later at 6am (when we were catapulted 5 hours into the future- where I now remain) and pushed through to 10pm that evening before heading to bed- meaning I’d been awake for 34 hours continuously. Phil Brown’s body continues not to fall asleep on aeroplanes.

Then comes a weekend. A weekend where a stag/bachelor party is a must, meaning arising at 7.30am. On a Saturday. An exhausting day of football and beach shenanigans featuring a wonderful curry at the end later leads to my mother and little sister visiting from Newcastle. Having not seen them for a good few months we chatted until late, set their beds up and went off to a well needed deep sleep.

3 seconds, or so it felt, later my alarm went off at 7am so that I could shower, eat and go and play in the church band. (After sleep talking a significant amount and keeping my lovely wife up).

Not the kind of jet lag recovery I was hoping for… now we’re back at work, and I can’t work out if I’m falling asleep due to lag, or just no sleep.

I say; LAG OFF!

We Did It...

We’ve moved!

People laughed at me, mocked me even for my optimistic timescale for the day (i.e. getting the van loaded and unloaded at our new place by 1.30pm)… but I passed with flying colours. Not only was every single item out of the van and 5 car loads by 12.30pm, but we were completely unpacked by 6 in the evening and could then settle down for pizza and friends.

This was not done without a butt-load of hard work and help from friends, however. Big Steve turned up with a massive van, Mikey Allen was unpacking and fixing bits in our house all afternoon- seeing the Church pulling together and helping out was very stirring.

It’s now a 10 days into a new life chapter with Liz, and I love it. It’s our house with our stuff with more space! I love walking into our living room and seeing how nice it looks and thinking that this is my life with Liz. We’re very blessed to be here. There is something about moving which is painful- the upheaval of solid roots and all that is familiar with it- but I love that I get to lay these new foundations with my wife.

Part of our new life together is the presence of close friends, something we craved at our old place. Mark and Hannah (who worked with Liz at Young Life) now live about 5 metres away on the floor below (we’re in a block of flats) and a new girl at church lives directly across the hall from us! We see Mark and Han every day and love it- they are so much fun to be around and we can totally be ourselves with them- plus they have the cutest baby who loves my face!

Life is pretty good right now- I love that I get to do life with a wonderful and caring woman by my side.

Marriage comes recommended by Phil…

Cam Your Bodia...

Yes, this blog title has been stolen from my wife. Yes, it is hilarious and should indeed be the title of the Meseg-Smith blog about Cambodia for the next two months. And yes, I have completed Paris Hiltons Diamond Quest on my phone. Twice.

All burning questions of yours, I’m sure.

Today is the day that I’m finally rid of my in-way-over-my-head tender… and I have spent the afternoon reorganising my desk after what looked like a paper explosion (and those that know me are aware that that’s a) something I don’t usually put up with and b) is hard to admit) and sorting out my college files. So, I thought now that is done and there is half an hour left of my working week, I’d let the world know of my recent adventures!!!

Weddings

Last weekend Liz and I were heavily involved maybe the most disorganised and hectic wedding that I’ve ever been a part of- I was an usher/groomsman and Liz was the hottie whom everyone looked out for- and I LOVED it. Dan and Anna aren’t usually this disorganised, but Anna, bless her, was told on the Wednesday before her wedding day that she was to have an interview for a job on Friday morning, 24 hours before her wedding day!!!


To tell you the truth, I love rolling up my sleeves and getting involved in serving good friends, God and the local church, whether it be a house move or helping set out desks after our church service. It’s one of my favourites. And it was a real honour to be able to bless such brilliant friends on their wedding day and ensure they had a mostly stress free and relaxing day.

Houses

Liz and I are moving!!! To those of you we are close with and know and love- we’ll send you our new address via email! However, moving is stressful. It means a major upheaval of pretty much everything that’s familiar. It means sifting through box after box that is stowed in the attic and being ruthless with what we need to keep! It’s an exhausting process.

God has been blessing us immensely through this. Having just signed on the dotted line and put in our notice at our current place it dawned on us… poop, we don’t have anything we need for an unfurnished house!!! We drew up a list of all the things we absolutely needed to live and I emailed the McCullough’s (a family in our church who are moving to start a new church in Istanbul) and asked if there was anything they could lend us/ give us. Andy sent a swift email back offering every single item that was on our list, no less, and a little bit more (namely a pair of y-fronts). Brilliant.

Food

A link was sent to me last week- THIS is my kind of meal…

Silly silly Footballers...

Footballers do such silly things, at all levels of the game.

The one that I've been a part of that sticks most vividly in my mind is my best friend Jon Lewis' stupidity. I was in the process of being shown a yellow card for retaliation (I stuck an elbow in an opposing midfielders rib cage after a dirty horrible challenge by him) and the referee was taking such a long time about it that Jon decided to shout out "Oi ref, stop looking at his arse"... and promptly got booked himself.

Here were a couple of other studig things from the professional side of the game:

In a match against Chelsea that was affected by increasingly thick fog, Bartram (the Charlton Athletic goalkeeper) was unperturbed by the lack of action for 15 or so minutes, presuming his side were on top. He didn't have the, er, foggiest that the game had been called off. "After a long time a figure loomed out of the curtain of fog in front of me. It was a policeman, and he gaped at me incredulously. 'What on earth are you doing here?' he gasped. 'The game was stopped a quarter of an hour ago. The field's completely empty'."


Mark Bosnich, whose other career highlights include being arrested outside a strip club on the morning of his wedding and being sacked by Chelsea after testing positive for cocaine, on this occasion entertained the crowd at Tottenham, noted for having a considerable Jewish following, during a break in play with his goose-stepping, moustache-sporting Adolf Hitler impression.

You've GOT To Be Kidding Me...

...This is a phrase is reserve for one of those times when the truth just seems bizarre, and one of those times was today.

At work I have been busting my gut to get a particular project done in time (Names and companies have been removed). It is the life of an Estimator, you have deadline and whether it’s finished or not, you have to give a final price.

Due to various unforeseen reason, I was recently give a project, approx. value of £1 million to price, and was only given 2 and a half weeks to price it (I should have had 5-6 weeks!)- a near impossible task for a trained Estimator, let alone a trainee! We decided to endeavor and do our best, but with one week until deadline and barely any of the job priced, we bit the bullet and asked for an extension of time. We/ I was shot down and given a firm no. A few days is all I needed.

Now, coming up to a week after I submitted the price, I called the Project Manager to see if our bid (we were bidding against 5 other Contractors) was successful/ in the ball park/ being looked at seriously and to my, probably obvious anger, was told that they hadn’t opened the envelopes yet. My stunned silence provoked him to carry on explaining… and he explained very elegantly that a couple of members on the Clients’ board of directors are on holiday and that they can’t be opened until their return… in another one and a half weeks!!!

You’ve GOT to be kidding me!

Mail Order Bride...

Today has been somewhat perfect. The weather is great- but not too hot. I have a car with a sunroof and a Michael Jackson tape that works. I had a curry… for lunch, and oh so much more.

I went to meet my friend Ben (http://benleaman.blogspot.com/) for a spot of lunchtime fun and goodness at the offices of the Crown Church, a few miles up the road, and something I’ve been waiting on for an age (or so it seems) turned up. We fought over who should open and claim it, but when Ben threatened to pull out the People’s Elbow, there was only going to be one winner…

Ben is clearly excited (and exhausted after fighting me off) about the parcel…

The tension mounts…

What now….??

That’s MY mail order wife!


She even does your work for you, and speaks to both sets of in-laws, AND she’s not even out of the box yet!

I can’t believe Ben beat me to her… it’s going to take a good few years to get one as good as this again…

Cats Alive...

This is just funny! I didn't know things this ugly existed!

Just Watch In Awe...

That's How I Feel...

I love international cricket- I can easily watch and follow a test series in all its glory, something that my wife cannot understand- although scarcely does the opportunity arise to do this since Skysports bought the viewing rights!

This last Test takes the biscuit though.

It was a 5 match series (called a Test match) against a West Indies side who hasn’t beaten us (England) for almost a decade. One match is 5 days long- each team bat’s and field’s twice- and thus the test is a total of 25 days long over a period of 2 months!

England suffered an embarrassing collapse in the first match and went 1-0 down. Since then- and this is the part that Liz and most American’s I’ve spoken to just can’t comprehend- every 5 day match has ended in a draw. You play for 5 whole days, and you draw a game! No winner. So England played for 25 days, and ended up losing 1-0.

The logic in that escapes me sometimes.

Give me 4 goals against Real Madrid in 90 minutes any day of the week.

The Worlds Best…

A week ago I asked Elizabeth if we could watch the Champions League matches this week for date night. I am so so glad that I did!!!

For those who are unaware, the Champions League is a soccer tournament which features the best teams from across Europe and culminates in a knock out tournament from the last/ best 16 teams onwards- usually the best teams from Spain, Italy and England dominating. Last season, the semi-finals featured 3 English teams and a Spanish.

In the build up to the match yesterday, I was so pumped it was crazy. The game was Liverpool v Real Madrid- the second leg of a 2 leg game, Liverpool won in Madrid 1-0 to give them the upper hand. I was explaining to Elizabeth how Madrid were the best team in the history of club soccer, having won this tournament 9 times (in comparison Man Utd have won it 3 times) and how they’ve won the Spanish League 31 times. I gave her full player analysis of all 22 men on the field at the start, as well as providing well timed statistics for individual when needs must.

The pre-instated excitement turned out not to be a lot of hyperbole. Liverpool shot out of the blocks, with my current favourite player, Fernando Torres, producing an exhilarating display- turning the once world’s best defender and player inside out on a number of occasions, and using his frightening pace to terrify defenders.

Liverpool ran out easy winners 4-0 with Torres scoring one against his old rivals (he used to play for another Madrid team who are bitter rivals with Real), Gerrard getting 2 goals and an unlikely hero in Dossena getting the 4th goal for Liverpool. 5-0 on aggregate- a real thumping of Real.

It was one of those nights which I will remember for a long time, not least because my wife was by my side the whole time, taking in all the action, when the understated Liverpool crushed “the greatest club in history”

Stiff Bored....

It’s one of those days in the office where I don’t really have anything to do just yet- and have nothing “outside of work” that needs doing. I’ve read up on all of the sports I could possibly do, while doing a task for a colleague that took about 3 minutes to complete, and everything else that I want to do just isn’t that subtle!

I don’t mind it that much, as Chris and Sarah are both stuck on £20 millionish jobs and are in meetings all the time, and Dan has so little to do himself that he doesn’t really want to give me anything that might mean he’s bored stiff later on. The problem comes in that on days like this, I get more drained than if I’m facing a totally jam packed day. I leave feeling totally drained as opposed to totally pumped if I were hard at work all day! More than that… it means I can’t go home and moan about being tired from doing nothing while my wife has been working hard all day. Conundrum!

Things I’m doing to past the time:
· A pretty lame blog
· Toilet breaks
· Reading up on how Spurs smashed ‘Boro 4-0 last night
· Looking on the Apple website for the genius bar
· Helping my Elizabeth with Word issues
· Trying to look busy by first typing this in an email on Outlook
· Drinking Ice Tea
· Looking forward to dinner
· Thinking about how much butt I will be kicking on Jumpers for Goalposts 2 in an hour

Man of man, my wife is going to have some fun hearing about my day over dinner!!

Obsessions Part 2- Jumpers…

Obsession 2, the one that I actively seek out, makes my lunchtimes fly by. It’s called jumpers for goalposts 2. It’s a game about soccer. It’s amazing.

The name springs from the fact that soccer can be played anywhere, as long as you have a football, 2 jumpers, or sweaters, can be laid down to make a goal and bob’s your uncle. You start off playing in your back garden and have to do a few shooting challenges, this then progresses to playing in a youth team and then being signed by a professional outfit. You score goals; you get girlfriends, buy houses and cars, and then gamble all of your wages to get that little bit further in life.

I spend my lunchtimes playing this with my cup-a-soup and rice cakes… and I’m getting pretty good. This last lunchtime I finished top of league 2…..




And then my team could not afford to keep me, so I was relegated back down to a team back in the same league…



All that hard labour for nothing (I hope the pictures aren’t too blurry).

At least lunchtimes will never be the same again!

Obsessions Part One- Sex on Fire…

Recently I’ve been obsessed with a few things, one of them I’m actively trying to escape, the other I’m in hot pursuit of.

2 Kings of Leon songs are just the bee’s knee’s right now- Use Somebody and Sex on Fire (risqué!)- and due to not having their album, I’m generally listening to them on youtube. Liz mentioned to me that it’s an obsession of mine, so I’m making the effort to avoid them. The problem occurs in that every morning on the way to work, during a lovely spring drive with my windows down, one of the 2 will come on and it will invariably be pumped up and shouted along to.

There’s no getting rid of them. But I don’t care. I love them.

P.S. If enough people complain about the title- I’ll change it. I love a bit of controversy!

Work is Hard...

Things achieved this week that I didn't expect:

1. Making my very first elastic band ball
2. Squeezing my rubber desk "stress duck" to build up forearm mass
3. Spend the first night without my wife since we've been married doing pilates and sewing

Being a working man can really take it's toll sometimes. Just to prove I do actually work, I spent a lot of today getting stressed at a subcontractor because he counted the wrong amount of windows.

Flirty at 8.30...

On the lead up to Valentine Day, the media goes crazy- I kind of dislike it a lot, because now Valentines Day is just that, a day, not a celebration of love, just a hyped up day… much in the same way Christmas Day has lost a lot of meaning.

Listening to the radio on the way to work this week has been a hilarity (when the car has actually started!) due to a particular radio show. Capital FM DJ’s Jonny Vaughn and Lisa Snowdon have been running, for one week only, “Flirty at 8.30” where a guy has written in and tells them he fancies a girl, then Jonny calls the lady in question and asks her out on his behalf and offers her a gourmet meal at a top restaurant OR £200 cash, while the man waits quietly for a response to his unrequited love.

Today’s was inspired. Brilliant. Magnificent. It was Ralph’s turn.

Ralph met this lady at a child’s birthday party- she was working as an au pair. Ralph, as was my initial thinking, was not a parent- or indeed an au pair- but the Clown. He was the Clown. At the end of the party, they swapped numbers and have been texting for 3 months- this guy is keen!

Remember, this is all on a London radio show.

So they call her up and tell her a few things about this guy (who she has never seen apart from in his clown costume). She guesses who it may be (when they inform her he sometimes wears a red nose). Then they give the offer… the dosh (£200) or the nosh (dinner date with Ralph the Clown)… to which the lady responds, “I don’t like men.”

Ralph is now brought into the conversation and tries to convince her that she really would have a great time with him, before good old Jonny steps in informing Ralph that “they have a little too much in common.” A short silence from Ralph, poor Ralph, confused by proceedings needs this explained further… sensitive Londoner Jonny comes in with “you have the same sexual orientation!!”

All this broadcast to millions of London listeners. Poor Ralph. Flirty with the wrong kind of lady in this instance. PLEASE listen to the full conversation at http://www.capitalradio.co.uk/on-air/breakfast-show/listen-classic-flirty-830/ it is brilliant.

The Power of Blog...

The power of blog can no longer be under-estimated (as if it ever was)...

This may not be of utmost interest to most readers, as it is yet again sport related, but it truly is too good to miss!
The Times newspaper was completely duped by a particular sports blog when compiling its Top 50 Young Footballers. At Number 30 was “Masal Bugduv (Olimpia Balti). Moldova's finest, the 16-year-old attacker has been strongly linked with a move to Arsenal, work permit permitting.”
The accolades found on said blog declared things such as “the next wonder kid” and “already has a handful of international caps” as well as linking this player to many a big club in the transfer window.

Upon research of this unknown prodigy, findings were that not only has this “player” not played for Moldova or Olimpia Balti, there is actually no such player in existence- he was a complete fabrication. The author of this particular blog had updated the Moldovan Football Wikapedia page to include Masal Bugduv and spark this rumour last summer. We all fell for it.

Needles to say, the Number 30 spot was quickly replaced, by Jay Simpson, on loan at West Bromwich Albion.

If only this was the only time The Times had been made to look foolish, in 1999 it reported that Liverpool FC were making a swoop for £3.5 million rated Didier Baptiste- a French player who existed, but as a character on a Sky One TV show.

Shame on them.

2008 Christmas...

With my mind still on American time and my body just not coping with thinking it's going to work at 4am on a Friday morning, I cannot work, alas I fear I cannot blog. But despite the fact my Math teacher isn't too bright and gave us exactly the same question for our assignment that he did for our work in class, I still cannot work.


Returning from America, people expected me to have many new anecdotes and stories, but I really don't! I had a wonderful Christmas with the in-laws and met some wonderful new brothers and sisters-in-law, and it was just lovely being with Liz's family, on their terms, where they are comfortable. But there were no exciting adventures, I just felt at home and chilaxed American style- which is very similar to English style and which I'm pretty adept at.


Not being with my family for the first Christmas ever was a real strain, almost willing them not to call up because of worry that it would be too emotional. I'm so glad they did though, my affection for my parents is only second to my wife, and hearing their voices was a real godsend. My in-laws gave me many highlights to remember:

Playing in the snow. We get coatings of snow in Britain, flashings of snow, if you will. It was great to have about a foot of snow for the majority of time we were there. It was so much fun to be able to hurl myself to the ground, or simply trip up spectacularly in front of my mother and sister-in-law just before the entrance of the Carousel Shopping Mall, and feel like I'm falling on pillows and marshmallows. I even enjoyed feeling like my face was going to freeze off just so that I could stand amidst a snow storm.


Meeting new family. We had a wonderful wedding celebration while in America- hosted by Loretta- in which 30 or 40 new people (cousins, uncles, aunts and close friends) came along and I had to meet each one and try in vain to remember each one. It was quite the day! But luckily I had Brad, Brad, Bobby and Bob to keep me company and save my bacon, especially Mindy's Brad! I was able to cling on by having fun with a great brother-in-law who had this same initiation only a few years back. Thanks Brad Mac!


Pride FM- where they play Star Spangled Banner and Proud to be an American all day long, non-stop.


Gaining a niece! As mad as I have been getting at Liz for having too many pictures of her (now our) niece around the flat, upon meeting her, I instantly knew why. She was adorable and we had a lot of fun together. Teaching children naughty things that I know I won't have to deal with is something of a speciality of mine, this was no different. We learnt that picking your nose and eating it was fun, that bouncing on sofa's and beds is not wrong, and that hitting people in the face is hilarious. T'was wicked. But I'm not broody just yet. Honest?


Nintendo Wii. Bobby and I ruled the Wii, or the Olympic Games at least- beating each other to World Records was the new Beer Pong. Fencing was a particular highlight, with Bob and I locked into what seemed like a genuine duel of hatred, getting steadily closer to each other and the TV screen while slashing violently, but accurately. My arms are now stacked. Although I'm not sure what's more frightening, how much I unexpectedly enjoyed it, or that my sister also received a Wii and apparently is kicking butt at WWE!


Food. This will be a surprise to no one. If anyone stays with the Watkins' you have to request Loretta's pulled pork and chicken. I will leave it there, it's making me hungry.


Overall, the best thing was seeing where my lovely wife grew up, the sights and sounds of Canastota and the surrounding area's. Meeting her influences, seeing how she is around her family in a comfortable environment. Observing as she engages in conversation with older and wiser generations of her family. How she is the same with me as with them and knowing that I've fallen in in love with someone genuine to the highest degree. I have married a truly remarkable woman and into a great family.


God bless America.