What's Hot, What's Not...

Dear Cars all over the world,

Cyclists have rights too. Just because you have the horsepower, doesn’t mean I am not allowed to overtake you. Just because you’re bigger, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to look in your mirrors when you turn. A cycle lane is for cycling, not for parking, and certainly not for swerving into when you’ve made a mistake or aren’t concentrating.

I don’t have a hooter… if I need to, I will shout to make my presence known – if you don’t like it, please suggest a suitable alternative.

A helmet doesn’t make me indestructible.

That is all… for now. The vendetta may continue.

What’s Hot, What’s Not…

Wind… I don’t like you. You only seem to make things worse.

Spooner… I like you. Liz is always in a good mood after spending two and a half hours talking to you.

Guitar… I like you, but please stop hurting my fingers. I caress your strings as often as I can.

In other News…

Two years ago yesterday, Liz agreed to marry me. My life has never been the same since. A whirlwind of adventure has ensued in a non-stop fashion; if a montage was created of the last two years it would definitely be set to a high tempo song with lots going on, as opposed to Aqualung’s Strange and Beautiful. We managed to get married, have operations, have fun holidays, and are on the brink of our first child popping out. We’ve had weddings, funerals, baby dedications, special birthday parties, have 2 god-children, have seen both sets of parents become grandparents… a huge amount has happened in just two years. Was there really ever a time that I wasn’t married?? It seems peculiar that there may have been.

Liz is my favourite person on this world… that I get to spend every day with her for the rest of my life is kind of overwhelming, I am a blessed man. Her commitment to me is beyond question, just as I’d do anything for her. At the risk of sounding cheesy, it is 100% the grace of God on our lives that blesses us in this inexplicable way. How the heck did a girl grow up an ocean apart from me, mature into the most amazing woman, then somehow end up with a wet Englishman… crazy. I am wholly bemused by this!

Thanks for an amazing two years, Liz!

It's a Bad Day When...

It’s never a good day when one of the following happens…

…You get out of the shower and into your clothes, then decide it’s time to discard the chicken stock that’s been in your fridge for two weeks…only for it to slip and cover you in foul smelling ming.

…you cycle to work, get to work and find that you didn’t bring spare boxers or socks. Am now sat at my desk with my tighty-whitey’s (which only ever make appearance for sporting occasions) and white trainer socks. I look like Michael Jackson when I walk – not the style of walk, more the white socks/ pale skin with dark trousers. I’m currently trying to convince my wife to bring me some spares…

Surely this day can only get better with a night of Bones, Glee and Jonathon Ross!

It's Been a While...

How do I do this again?

It’s been a while coming- I apologize for my lack of posting… now where to start the catch up? My baby boy is due in less than a month now (which means the World Cup is also less than a month away now!)…that’s kinda weird! He already appears to be a child who knows what he wants; if my arm is rested against Liz’s tummy he will kick and push until I finally move it. Its fun discovering the positions my baby is getting himself into within the womb and feeling for body parts!

Something that has recently made me even more eager to meet our man and see what kind of personality he has is that my friends, Justin and Louise, have just had twin girls. They are so sweet and so small and are so different in personality already! Poppy is a bit of a crier, but a quiet crier, where as Bella cries little, but is a high achiever on the decibel meter! Here are some pictures of us all:

I have now kicked my last football until the baby is here. My friend, Ben Leaman (http://benleaman.blogspot.com/), managed to break his leg at football three weeks ago, bringing a sharp perspective into how long we’ve got left before the little guy gets here. It’s odd to think that there was a time I valued football over family and to an extent I’m genuinely shocked that football has taken a back seat since I met Liz – she must be a heck of a girl! I’m already having physio on my back; I’d like to be able to move when the boy gets here!

Today was the day I finally cycled to work wear shorts…the summer has been ushered in! Unfortunately (I hope Liz has stopped reading my this point) it was a while before I noticed that my front break wasn’t actually re-attached after I’d put my wheel back on this morning… was quite the shock when I pulled on it after a car tried to knock me off my bike. I’m ok though!

There’s plenty more going on, such a Tottenham Hotspurs reaching the Champions League next year… I’d be stupid to put everything into one post though… right?


P.S. Check out this hair!!!

NFL at Wembley, London...

It’s been almost a week. I need to break the silence.


Last Sunday Liz and I went to Wembley Stadium to watch the New England Patriots beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 35 – 7. The whole event, from start to finish, was just brilliant… and that’s apart from the fact that two tickets that should have cost £280 cost us £50.


We had some of the best seats in the house- the halfway line divided Liz and I in two. Our seats were the row in front of the box seats (which are surely the best seats in the house?) and had padded seats with arm rests and cup holders. The box behind us was the BBC Sport studio, where Jake Humphreys and Lee Dixon were sat (JH is a Formula 1 correspondent and LD is an ex-England international soccer player and commentator) so we got to “meet” them. We had a group of Americans who had flown from NE to support the Pats and hi-fived us whenever they scored. We had a gig with one of the UK’s biggest groups beforehand and had Toni Braxton singing the USA national anthem. We had footlong hotdogs and beer. It. Was. AMAZING!


All that without even touching on the game, the atmosphere, the buzz of being at a live game.


Only one disappointment. There was a festival going on outside the Stadium that we had access to, but we got there too late to go into “Tailgate” –which we had VIP tickets for. There were concerts, food, and a chance to meet the hoes… sorry, cheerleaders (they really do move and look like I’d imagine strippers to move and look).


Apart from that it felt like the complete game- even got to see Tom Bradys MASSIVE head a few times (seriously- check out his forehead).

Photo’s are DEFINITELY to follow! Or you can check out my facebook page!

Crackdowns and Smackdowns...

ALERT: There’s been a crack down at work- where for “security” reasons all conceivable “fun” websites have been blocked other than blog and shopping sites. Working in the male dominated construction industry, this has led to outrage that sport can no longer be read.

This is a mockery of 2 basic principals of productivity:
a) That you’re most productive with a 15 minute break every hour… there is now no reason to break because we can’t do anything with it;
b) That if you block websites, people will take half an hour trying to find a way into it, rather that a few minutes check every hour- leading to people trying, fruitlessly, for longer periods to access information, leading to an even more intense level of frustration and even less productivity.

This equates to any readers, probably, hearing a lot more from me.

Recent blogging thoughts: that this could easily turn out to be a log of recent injuries rather than anything interesting.

Let us take the last month as a good starting point. I have started my first season of competitive football (soccer) since a couple of years back. My first game; I got the blisters (last post, see below) that crippled my walking ability for a week. Second game; in the first half I put in a crunching slide tackle, causing a bigger man than I to land on my back. This caused a huge amount of pain, and for about a week and a half my lovely wife had to do just about everything around the house for me. 5 weeks out as a result. Last Saturday; my comeback game. I headed the ball in an odd way, leading to a neck injury!

As none of these stories are fun/ caused by anything that will cause laughter, there seems little point expanding. Needless to say, my body will be grateful for the 2 weeks rest it’s getting while Liz and I go away for our anniversary!

Right now, soccerly speaking of course, it’s 3 wins out of 3- not a bad start to a falteringly stuttering football career.

Peace out… And if any medics want to become friends or move to my local area, please let me know on phil@injuryproneman.com*

Oh, to establish the injury-proneness here’s an interesting fact:

I’ve dislocated my left should 9 times and had 2 operations on it. There are 6 bolts in my arm now and thanks to my original surgeon (Mr Rowntree- oh yes, I’m naming and shaming) they can’t be sure if my first 3 bolts are metal or plastic- which means I can never go into an MRI Scanning machine because there’s potential that 3 bolts could shoot out of my shoulder.

I think it all started when I started walking- I was fine when I was about 1 and a half years old.

Up next- Footballly speaking and Unclely speaking…


*This email address is FAKE- please to not try and follow me to Spain** to try and fix my problems.
** This is a fake address- I’m not giving away my location that easily.

Everything Has A Cost..

Being great really does have a cost.

I played for my new football/soccer team on Saturday- St Peters Iver FC, The Chiltern Churches Christian League- and ruffled a few feathers in the process. I was placed, after only email correspondence with the manager on 2 occasions, in central midfield. This is probably the most important position on the field. Me being placed here meant that the guy who had been playing there for the last 3 seasons was dropped to the bench for the first time in his career- and his friends weren't too pleased with me either.

This, erm, emotional pain was nowhere near the amount of physical pain endured during and as a result of this particular match. The scene:

An extremely hot September day, a day where you sweat standing still, and it hasn't rained for about a week. I chose to play with my football boots which, of course, was a bad idea considering the hardened state of the ground.

During the first half I gained an extra bodily element- an inch long blister on my right foot, which I also lost during the same said period. Pain ensued. It continued not only for the next hour of the game, but until the time of writing.

It hurts to walk and to move and to shower. Liz will no doubt tell people this anyway, but on Saturday night and for Sunday afternoon/evening I thought it would be wise to soak my open wound ridden feet. Logic suggested to me that when I hurt my muscles/tendons/ligaments I put ice on them to soothe and to stop inflammation... so I used the coldest water for my feet that I could find. Liz found this alarming/hilarious when she found out and instantly put boiling water in my foot bowl. The warm water was certainly not soothing.

The following pictures are of the current state of my right foot:

Was it worth it? Depends how far you trust the stats!!! One game, one goal, one assist and one man of the match!!! BOOM!

The Genius of Peter Kay...

Classics...I love stupid emails, and this one always make me laugh*

The Genius of Peter Kay...

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was bullied at school, and called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


Peter Kay's questions...

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?


Peter Kay's Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Bricks are horrible to carry.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



*In no way do these wholly represent the views of the blogger.